How many times have I heard the sentence “just don’t make me look like (fill in the blank)”? The word “lesbian” almost always proceeds.* This statement, just to make life that much more confusing, is sometimes uttered by a lesbian which makes me wonder. It makes me wonder. Gosh, that makes me wonder. I spend a lot of time wondering, really.
First off, if you don’t want to look like a lesbian then you should probably not have sexual relations with a woman in any public area. And for God’s sake absolutely do not, under any circumstances, go out on a date with another woman and definitely do not line dance at any country western bar with another woman (assuming you are also a woman and this includes going to the Floribama (thanks for that info, Kim Mcelroy, cause I will definitely get to you in another post) which I may not go to if I were at all gay but that is up to you and how confident is your inner spirit.
But what about this phenomenon in general? I mean, Martina Navratilova’s haircut is no more lesbian than Demi Moore’s in Ghost which I consider one of the most popular-yet-yucky cuts (that’s assuming that what you mean by a lesbian cut is negative in nature which I would have to assume as you don’t want it). Actually, take Martina’s hair and put it on Demi Moore and, well, not a lesbian cut. Or should we switch Ellen Degeneres’s with Pamela Anderson’s new cut or one of Halle Berry’s short cuts. Now, which one is the lesbian cut? Now close your eyes (no peeking) cause I’m gonna switch it all around again. Now open! Ok, which one is the lesbian cut? Exactly! It’s a fucking lesbian haircut virtual shell game. Ya got it? Cause I’m about to give it away…… aaaand yes, it’s the one fondling Portia De Rossi! Damn, you are good! Ok, let’s keep going. Here’s your final test and it’s your final cause it will blow your mind like a Mensa challenge. Jared Leto’s cut vs Ellen Page of Juno fame. Just take a gander. Know the answer?! Don’t tell anyone. Just send your detailed explaination, in 5 words or less to Moshi Moshi** to be entered to win a makeover (or under) with Jenny. The winner will be drawn from thousands of entries as my Stepdad is newly retired with a lot of time on his hands, is a huge fan of my blog and needs a make-under desperately (Hi, Dad! See ya for Mardi Gras! Tell Mom to replace that gross Teflon pan before we get there cause when I cooked Sebastian scrambled eggs on it last year it had black pieces in the eggs which we had to pick out).
So, now that you have such new and evolved thinking on such matters at hand, let’s give you some more useful descriptions so that I don’t accidentally give you a Kathy Griffin (oops, she’s maybe not a lesbian, huh? Ugh! So hard sometimes). Well, you definitely don’t want that either way. So without further ado I gift you now with some appropriate terminology so you don’t get yourself in trouble:
Oh, now hold on cause you figured out the shell game, right? Yes! You are very smart. And you also guessed right on your final exam? Yes, of course. Great! Then we can cut to the chase:
Just say what the fuck you want your cut to look like and leave out all that lesbian nonsense. It’s 2014. I should also tell you that in order for our species to thrive, we will all eventually be lesbians and therefore the cutting terminology will be obsolete.
Now then, how do you want your hair cut?
*Here is the list of don’t wanna look like(s) in order of popularity with appropriate and probable inner responses from your stylist in parenthesis:
1. A Lesbian (get rid of your girlfriend)
2. A Man (stop acting like an asshole. Just kidding, guys!)
3. A Mom (leave those kids at home why dontcha)
4. “My Mom” ( 😦 )
5. Old (you’re not! Jeezus, 70 is like the new 40. Even Oprah said it. Just wait till you’re really old and you realize how much shit you talked about how old you were when you didn’t know what the hell you were talking about cause you were like 40. NOW you’re old. Damn.)
6. “I’m trying too hard” (Well just kill yourself now or at least save a buck and go to Cost Cutters ((I was so sorry that name was taken)). You definitely won’t look like you’re trying much at all and I’m sure you’ll feel as great as you look)!
** Please send your best answer (5 words or less) to Moshi Moshi 416 W. Franklin St. Chapel Hill, NC 27516 or email to firstname.lastname@example.org and put “lesbian haircut shell game” in the subject line for a chance to win a free makeover OR under with our esthetician. A winner will be chosen on March 1st, 2014. Please include your contact information. No Stepdads, please!